Today's crunchie, wunchie lunchie

Around 3pm Z brought over a big dish of salad which she had prepared for us

It looked good, tasted good and tended to promote good health. It was in effect a crunchy vitamin pill. It reflects her concern for my health, which I am grateful for. The dark red bit in the middle is pureed beetroot, which provides iron that I need for my blood as my haemoglobin level are too low. So I am grateful for both the food and the thought behind it

Am I a narcissist?

Z has a great interest in psychiatric diagnosis. As I am a psychologist, it is is something we occasionally discuss. Z is particularly interested in Freud and the post-Freudians.

Freud was in fact the effective originator of the idea of a narcissistic personality -- in 1914 in Zur Einführung des Narzissmus -- but we do not have to accept his explanation of its origins. Freud himself doubted the adequacy of his account.

Z sometimes toys with the idea that I am a narcissist so let us look at a modern definition of it.

The Mayo definition:

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism"

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

The Mayo clinic is America's leading hospital

So I think that lets me off the hook. Far from being "easily upset by the slightest criticism", I am one of those peple of whom it is said that I "have a hide like a rhinocerous". In other words, criticism has to be pretty severe or repeated before it gets through to me or bothers me. I in fact usually regard it simply as information -- sometimes as information about reality and sometimes as information about the person criticizing

I am certainly self-confident but I am not a narcissist.

Back on track

The relationship between Z and me seems to be fully back on track. She had an afternoon nap in my arms today, which is an aspect of our relationship that I have always particularly liked

So we have been together for two years and are now headed into a third year of similar times together, which I am greatly pleased about.

I bought her some flowers today in recognition of the times we have spent together.

She has alway shown particular concern for my health and so has made me many healthy meals, something that will now resume. She follows the raw food diet, which has had many reports of health benefit

Am I a nocturnal animal?

Our bodies retain remnants of our evolutionary past. The obvious example of that is the light covering of hair on our bodies. They suggest that we were once furry animals but lost most of the fur when we became marine animals. Many marine animals have lost all fur -- whales, dolphins etc. So we were well on the path to that but did not quite get there because we started doing something else

And what that is seems obvious. We became arboreal. We started climbing trees. Our closest relatives, the monkeys, mostly climb trees and have hands like ours -- good for grabbing branches.

Many arboreal creaures are also nocturnal. They come to life at night

So, like our body hair, it seems likely that we have some evolutionary remnant in us that inclines some of us to being nocturnal. And there is evidence of that. Many party-goers and night-clubbers jokingly refer to themselves as nocturnal because of their tendency to carry on late -- up to 3am in the morning or thereabouts.

I think I share those tendencies. Parties tend to bore me as everybody gets drunker so I don't stay long at them but I often am brightly awake at midninght and tend to nap a lot during the day.

But being nocturnal has its problems. It puts you out of synch with the normal activities of daytime. Just when you are sleeping nicely, you may have to get up and go to work.

At age 80, I no longer go to work but I do have some morning activities that I value so I try to sleep at night and be awake during the day. But to do that I have to take sleeeping pills to bomb me out before midnight. So I go against what my body wants me to do. I am very tempted to throw away the pills and just sleep when I am tired. And I will see if I can make arrangements to accommodate that.

I did do it once before. I went pill-free and ended up still getting enough sleep -- mostly during the day

She IS back

Z came to my place about 4.30pm yesterday and we went to Nando's for a 5pm "lunch" of salad. We discussed the issues between us and made some progress. She went home at about 6pm but we continued our discussions via text messages. We did eventually seem to resolve the issues between us and I have received some positive messages from her this morning. I look forward to a calm and affectionate relationship with her from now on

She's back, I think

After a gap of around 6 weeks Z called on me this afternoon. We went to the Buranda coffee lounge for lunch. After lunch she came up and lay down beside me in bed, which is our usual custom. So that was the basics of restoring our relationship.

Both at the cafe and in bed, however, she spent almost the whole time criticizing me, which was quite unpleasant. I put up with it in the hope that she will be more civil in future. We were together for about 2 hours of the afternoon but she left wihout making any arrangements for us to meet again. But I imagine I will see her again some time soon

I deeply regret upsetting her as I do love her

A good song

One of my faourite songs is the "alternative" version of "Scotland the Brave" associated with Scottish singer John McDermott. McDermott is known for performing traditional songs to a high standard.

I wondered however where McDermott got "his" version of the song. Did he write it? He is professional singer rather than a poet so it seemed unlikely. So I did a bit of digging.

And it seems that McDermott has simply extracted the best bits of a rambling 19th century poem by James Hyslop. The result is very powerful but rather mystical. Poem are often rather mystical, however, so a clear effect is still conveyed.

I give below a video of a good performance and end with a listing of the original poem



The words being sung are given at the foot of the video

The original words, by James Hyslop (1798-1827), are as follows:

Let Italy boast of her bloom-shaded waters,
Her bowers, and her vines, and her warm sunny skies,
Her sons drinking love from the eyes of her daughters,
While Freedom expires amidst softness and sighs:—
       Scotland's bleak mountains wild,
       Where hoary cliffs are piled,
    Towering in grandeur, are dearer to me;
         Land of the misty cloud—
         Land of the tempest loud-
   Land of the brave and proud land of the free!

Enthroned on the peak of the dark Highland mountain,
The Spirit of Scotland reigns fearless and free;
Her tartan-folds waving o'er blue lake and fountain,
Exulting she sings, looking over the sea,—
          Here 'mong my mountains wild
          I have serenely smiled
   When armies and empires against me were hurl'd;
         Firm as my native rocks,
         Calmly sustain'd the shocks
   Of Denmark, and Cesar, and Rome, and the World!

When kings of the nations in council assemble,
The frown of my brow makes their proud hearts to quake,
The flash of mine eye makes the bravest to tremble,
The sound of my war-song makes armies to shake;
         France long shall mind the strain
         Sung on her bloody plain,
   Made Europe's bold armies with terror to shiver !—
         Shrouded in fire and blood,
         Then sung the pibroch loud,
    "Dying, but unsubdued — Scotland for ever!"

See at the war-note my proud horses prancing,
   Deep groves of steel trodden down in their path;
The eyes of the brave like their bright swords are glancing         
   Triumphantly riding through ruin and death!
         Bold hearts and nodding plumes
         Dance o'er their bloody tombs—
   Shining in blood is the red tartan's wave.
         Dire is the horseman's wheel,   
         Shivering the ranks of steel
   Still victor in battle-field, Scotland the brave!

The poem appeared, apparently for the first time, in "The Edinburgh Magazine" (April, 1821), pp. 360-361.

Insomnia cured

I have had trouble sleeping as far back as I can remember. My nervous system is just too active. For a long time I cured the problem by drinking. I would drink myself to sleep. Sometimes I would drink half a bottle of gin a night.

But that could not go on so in more recent times I have used sleeping pills instead. I relied for a long time on Temazepam, a common benzodiazepine

And the interesting thing is that all my heavy drinking seems to have done no harm. My liver and kidney function tests come back normal. Zero cirrhosis. So I appear to have cut out the booze in time. I would still have one drink a night but that was all

A complication has emerged recently, however. I have prostate cancer -- a pretty common occurrence for an old guy like me. I am on medication to stop the cancer but the stuff I take has the side-effect of waking me up. So my sleep difficulty has got worse recently. The Temazepam is no longer enough to get me to sleep.

I have however just found a new drug combination that works. I take Ibuprofen twice a day followed by Stilnox at bed-times. That works. For three nights running I have now had a normal night's sleep. That might not seem much but it is heaven for me. I am just hoping it continues.

Update of 27th: The effectivesness of the above combination did not continue. I now take both Stilnox and Temazepam at bedtime. A wee dram helps too. That works so far.

My days of wine and roses

Some of the things I write in this post are excerped from things I have previously written here. But with Valentine's day looming over us, I felt inclined to do a summary. Below is the famous poem behind my heading:

"They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate:
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.


They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream"

In other words, one is expected to have some happy years in one's youth which soon vanish never to return.

I have been much luckier than that. My days have been good most of the time. I have drunk much wine and given many roses. I count my good days as the ones I have been in happy relationships. And in my last 60 years that has been most of the time.

In April, 2021, when I was 76, however, I came out of a long relationship. The older one gets, the harder it becomes to form new partnerships so my prospects of more wine and roses seemed bleak. Many old people die alone.

But my luck held. At the very end of that year, I met Z, a lady of Serbian origin, also in her '70s.

It was not love at first sight but we did like one-another from the beginning and that soon deepened into a very loving relationship. The biggest surprise is that she and I are about as incompatible as it gets. I fail to understand her strong European accent a lot of the time and I am as unfit as she is super-fit. She jogs for miles every day and I walk only short distances. She is still pretty good-looking for her age while my looks break cameras these days. And that's just the start of our differences.

So compatibility is not all it's cracked up to be! You CAN fall in love without it!

So how do I analyse what worked between us? Hard to say definitively but I think it begins with us liking one-another. And we are both around top of the IQ range. She once said: "I used to go for handsome men but they are all stupid!"

I think the main influence that keeps us together is a principle I have always followed: If you find two good things in another person all the rest can be negotiated or adapted to. And the two things I particularly look for in women are a high IQ and a liking for classical music.

And Z has both of those two rare qualities. She is even strongly moved by the music of J.S. Bach. That latter would mean nothing to most people but it is huge to me as I feel the same way about Bach. Mine are minority tastes but as an academic I am stuck with them.

We are also both high-functioning autistics so understand one-another's autistic behaviours when they emerge. The fellowship of the autistics is an unlikely concept but something like that does seem to work for Z and me at times. And aging does mellow one. At my age I have nothing to prove and no need to achieve. So I can just sit back and just enjoy a relationship for what it is.

On Christmas day, 2022 we just lay in bed talking for most of the time together -- with her doing most of the talking, as usual. She spent some time talking about Trajan, which is a pretty intellectual topic. I am myself interested in Roman history so I knew what she was talking about. She has a lot of intellectual interests -- principally in ancient history, European literature and clinical psychology. We have shared high culture interests and that pleases both of us. On one occasion, when Z wanted to mock me as being idle (I am) she quite appositely referred to me as being an Oblomov, which is an allusion to a classic 19th century Russian novel.

On another occasion, Z gave me an extended lecture in moral philosophy. She likes Erich Fromm's rejection of relativism. I said nothing in response but I was familiar with her topic. I have had a few academic articles on the topic published.

Z also has a good sense of humor and a liking for kisses and cuddles. She often has fallen asleep in my arms and I like that. So there was a lot of affection between us. It was a real relationship. It lasted for two years and I have many good memories of it. It still seems amazing to me that I had so many days of wine and roses so late in life.

I seem to have lost my girlfriend

I have not seen or heard from Z for over a month and in her last text message to me she declared her independence of me.

There are still three other ladies who call on me and I have reorganized my social life around them so I am feeing no loneliness but I do nonetheless greatly regret the loss of an affectionate relationship that lasted two years.

I know she is actively looking for a new partner so I do hope that she finds one that suits her better than I did. She has a good heart so deserves a good relationship

Conicidentally, I have recently come across another Serb lady whom I admire. I have been watching recordings of coloratura operatic singer Radoslava Vorgi?. I think she has the most powerful soprano voice I have ever heard. She is in full voice below



The words (Excerpted by Handel from "At a Solemn Music" by John Milton)

Let the bright seraphim in burning row,
Their loud, uplifted angel trumpets blow.
Let the cherubic host, in tuneful choirs,
Touch their immortal harps with golden wires


She's got blue eyes too:



Die ganze Welt ist himmelblau
Wenn ich in Deine Augen schau\'
Und ich frag dabei: Bist auch Du so treu
Wie das Blau, wie das Blau Deiner Augen

A strange day

Yesterday (Thu.) was a very strange day. The strangeness actually started the day before (Wed.). I woke up with slightly sore eyes and slightly blurred vision, which was annoying. My vision was so blurred that I could not read my Greek New Testament. I was having trouble with Zeta, in particular, which is just a squiggle in lower case. Why was I bothering with the New Testament in the original Greek? It is all here:

https://ntwords.blogspot.com/

Anyway, I had a pleasant dinner at Annerley McDonalds with my son that night so I went to bed in a good mood. But next day (Thu.) I woke up early at 4:30am with a ragingly sore right arm. I took various things for it, including Tramadol, which is a rather powerful analgesic. The pain made it difficult to get back to sleep but I managed some sleep and woke up at about 9am with my arm still sore. My eyes had recovered and I could read my Greek New Testament again but that was slight consolation. The arm was so sore that I thought I needed to go to the hopital with it. So I rang Jenny to get her to take me.

But when she arrived, the pain had receded a bit so we thought we should wait and see if the arm got better by itself. I had my usual DoorDash breakfast from McDonalds while we were waiting. The arm did slowly get better. At around 3pm, however, I was chatting to Jenny when I sudenly got nauseous and had a big chuck. I had a chamber pot nearby as a receptacle so no great harm was done and I continued chatting for a while afterwards. But after that I went to sleep for the rest of the day and evening. I woke up at about 10pm and had a big drink of my favourite beverage: Cold water. I felt quite well after all the excitement of the day.

After that I went back to sleep until the morning and feel OK now after my usual breakfast