I am almost always buoyant in mood: Nothing gets me down, almost. I didn't know the meaning of the word "depression" until I was in my 40s. But I have not escaped so lightly since.
Being a high-functioning autistic, I have always found it easy to interest intelligent single women. My diversity in attitudes can generate a certain fascination. But it doesn't last. I have had a lot of relationships but the ladies eventually walk away. My communication deficits emerge and generate dissatisfaction.
That has rarely bothered me. In no time at all I just waltz into a new relationship feeling totally carefree. No moping or reflecting at all. But every suit of armour has its chinks and I have twice been very upset about losing a long relationship. And that has led to serious depression, complete with the suicidal thoughts that usually accompany depression. So I now know what depression is all about.
But the thought that has always sustained me at such times is an awareness that brighter times lie ahead. If I were to commit suicide I know that I would miss out on many happy times that lie ahead for me. And so it has happened.
I had quite a bit of depression at the time of my near-fatal encounter with cancer last year. But the happy times are now back. My health is very good, my friendship with Anne is now warmer than ever, Zoe has stopped nagging me about my omnivorous diet and Jenny has come through her encounter with the dreaded virus in good shape. And my relationship with Zoe is filled with lots of laughs. I am a lucky man.
I am not depressed but have wasted many years on it starting as a teenager. The resentment I had for outer things I turned against myself, and I am at least pleased that it was self-destructive and not otherwise.
ReplyDeleteMy overly negative emotional focus built my depression, it did not build itself. I fed my emotions a lot of bleak thoughts and dislike, and the steady feeding was what sustained it, that is my lesson about depression in a nutshell.